Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Home Alone

Britney Spears has Macaulay Culkin Syndrome. In case you weren’t familiar with the condition, let me go over it with you. Break out as a young, cute and fresh face that rips into the hearts of America? Check. Become so popular that people will buy anything you put out? Check. Make a series of bad decisions, each worse than the last which results in complete ridicule? Check.

Sure, When Macaulay started his illustrious and quick “career” in showbiz he was only eight years old while Britney was seventeen. The results were the same. Macaulay tried to push himself back into the spotlight, but inevitably failed each time just as Britney Spears will in the near future.

Macaulay had one clear advantage over Britney, in the fact that while he did marry young, he did not marry Kevin Federline. Oh, and he did not get pregnant twice either.

The fall of Britney Spears’ downfall had been triggered by her brief marriage with longtime friend Jason Alexander. Soon after Kevin Federline swept in to pick up the pieces, and we all know where that went.

Three months before the end of their marriage, she even went on the record to say their marriage was going strong. Spears and Federline would not be getting divorced, as they respected their children as well as the sanctity of marriage. Surely that didn’t ring true when Spears divorced Federline last month.

But can we really blame Federline? Did his redneck ways simply bring out Britney’s? Yes. As showcased on the visual holocaust known as “ Britney and Kevin: Chaotic,” she had “let herself go,” and simply reverted back to her pre-teen idol days. Her cover had been blown and the country unfortunately saw her for what she really was.

But now that she’s free of the parasite, she can go back to be the teen idol that she once was, right? Well according to her publicist she may have to avoid any negative press until her next album release.

Did Ms. Spears listen? Of course not. Partying on weeknights with Paris Hilton while her children are under the care of a hired hand isn’t really the most responsible thing to do. Nothing says you care about your kids as much as paying strangers to look after them and make sure they stay out of danger.

Another crime to humanity that Britney Spears has committed revolves around her clothing choices… or lack thereof. On several occasions she has been seen and photographed without any underwear on, displaying her naughty bits to anybody that cares to look. And trust me, nobody cares to look. I guess it would have been more satisfying to see a tattoo with the text “K-Fed wuz here.”

After these public displays, Britney went on to write a blog posting on her website where she raved about Victoria Secret’s new line of underwear. Not even a week after that, another batch of upskirt pictures depicted her panty-less yet again. Classy.

Once all of these subsided there was a small period of time where she looked to be setting things straight. Pictures began appearing where she looked classy, or dare I even say, sexy again. But Macaulay Culkin Syndrome does not let go of its victim. It grabs hold and does not let go. Sure, it may let the victim think that it is getting away, but the condition always prevails.

Britney Spears attended her mother’s birthday party. There is nothing wrong with that sentence right? Oh, and did I mention that she was wearing a bra and panties with a completely see-through lace dress on top? This girl cannot do anything on her own, much less listen to the advice of her public relations advisors. There is no way to class it up more than by wearing next to nothing to your mom’s birthday party.

To add salt to the wound, Ms. Spears was also named the world’s worst dog owner by The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog. An inability to dress yourself appropriately and behave like you have millions of people watching your every move? Check. Inability to care for an animal that relies upon you for mere survival? Check. It’s funny how similar dogs are to humans at an early age…

In any case, Britney Spears is destined to fall through the holes of the showbiz industry and possibly come out of it through the bowels of the porn industry. Because of her poor decisions she will never reclaim what she once had. In ten years she may have faded completely from the public eye, or be looked at as an embarrassment for females everywhere.

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